Excerpt Chapter 7 - Circle of Life

 

     

 

This complex chapter covers many topics surrounding life in general - with and without children.  From constant societal pressures, the need to accept oneself, global warming, Earth being overpopulated, my prevention of possibilities to the world, the loaded definition of fear, my family’s struggle with autism, and the reality of loneliness.  Like it or not, we are here on this temporary journey that only has one guarantee – a beginning and an end.  Hence why I titled the chapter Circle of Life.  Go ahead, close your eyes and vision Simba’s birth scene from The Lion King.  It’s okay.  We’re all doing it. Below is a small excerpt from Milk Drunk: What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting Chapter 7 Circle of Life.

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With my child-free life choices, more times than not, people state that I am depriving the world of future possibilities. Apparently, my unborn child has the potential to discover the cure for cancer. Maybe, or maybe my kid would be a lazy piece of crap! (Who am I kidding? My kid would be awesome!)

So here is my apology to the universe:

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Dear World,

I am sorry that you are missing out on an extraordinary human being, but frankly I think he or she would be too much for you to handle. So, in retrospect, you’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Danielle

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I am blessed in a way that I don’t feel obligated to blend in with all societal pressures, though it wasn’t an easy journey. I am consciously defying a common definition and global acceptance by loudly portraying my authenticity, beliefs, and own acceptance.

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Acceptance is key, even with complicated topics such as the environment. Some people are choosing not to have children because they fear doing so will amplify global warming. From CO₂ emissions to extreme weather events that may force future children to endure a negative lifestyle, more people are determining these environmental impacts to be detrimental.

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In a 2019 Instagram live stream to her 1.5 million followers, thirty-four-year-old US  representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said: “Basically, there’s a scientific consensus that the lives of children are going to be exceedingly difficult. And it does lead, I think, young people to have a legitimate question: “Is it OK to still have children?”[1]

 

Time is not a guarantee but a borrowed gift, and I feel a lot of people assume tomorrow is a given. Instead, one should remember the past, live in the present, and hope for the future. If I am lucky enough to grow old, I envision it with Jim. Despite the positive thoughts, I can’t escape the inevitable. My family is becoming smaller each year, and with no children to possibly support me in the future, I could grow old alone.

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Meanwhile, it is important to point out that when people ask me if fear is a reason for not having a child, some of them are asking based on what they have experienced. From the capability to be a good parent to the fear of losing one’s identity to even society’s influence, fear is a constant element that no parenting class, book, or group can completely erase. Based on discussions I’ve had, I understand how fear could be a legitimate reason to not have a child. In my case, it truly wasn’t a driver, but for others, it was.

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Many women have explained to me their fear of pregnancy and childbirth. Some are so afraid that it created an unstable environment and negatively overpowered the miraculous journey.

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My manager at work was deathly afraid of the epidural and the pain childbirth could cause. This fear consumed her to the point of physical sickness and intense anxiety. She told her coworkers that the fear she had with each baby milestone—first kick, detailed sonograms, and healthy growth results—prevented her from experiencing the pure bliss most parents experience during these moments. After the nine months of self-inflicted torture, she finally gave birth and realized the anticipation was worse than the pain itself.

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People who know my family understand life is centralized around autism. I have two sisters who each have an adult autistic son. It isn’t a secret that these two families struggle. Imagine not being able to understand what your child needs at the age of eighteen or getting beat up every time you say no to your child’s wants? Take a moment to think about the life you envisioned for your child, only to take another moment to realize that life will never happen.

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When people are aware of my nephews, they wonder if I feared my child would be autistic as well. The answer is both yes and no. When I decided not to have children at the age of sixteen, Max and Ryan were not born yet. Though I have watched my nephews grow up to become great individuals, I’ve also watched my sisters and brothers-in-law suffer. Yes, raising a child in general is difficult, but I can’t emphasize the extreme extent families who have children with disabilities experience. Since the odds are high, one hundred percent I would be afraid my child would be autistic. Please keep in mind that I am not saying being autistic is a bad attribute or a reason to not have a child. I am simply calling myself selfish this one time. Seeing my sisters and the autistic community raise children is just too emotional for me. From a completely different viewpoint, what happens if I did have a child, and they were not autistic? How would that impact the family? I know the child would be embraced and loved, but I believe there would be a significant amount of warranted questioning, sadness, and jealousy.

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All in all, Jim and I know my family will need help—financially, physically, and mentally. If I were to have a child now, I need to think long-term. There is a possibility it could be Jim, my child, and my adult nephews if circumstances happened. Though this is not the main reason I decided not to have children, it does impact it. For Max and Ryan, they come first, and if that means supporting only them in the future, this fun aunt and uncle will gladly take on that double duty.

 

 

[1] Sam Shead, “Climate change is making people think twice about having children,” CNBC, August 21, 2021, https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/12/climate-change-is-making-people-think-twice-about-having-children.html.