Excerpt Chapter 5 - Selfishness

 

     

 

From getting a glimpse into my lifestyle without children and how I adapted though decade milestones to seeing the many definitions and perceptions of selfishness people have, this chapter shows the ugly side of judgment and even jealousy towards my child-free life. There are many funny, infuriating, and supportive encounters that can entertain you like a juicy episode of a reality television show. Expect this reality wasn’t scripted, edited, or up for an entertainment award…at least not yet! Below is a small excerpt from Milk Drunk: What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting Chapter 5 Selfishness.

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Imagine being constantly defined as selfish for not having or wanting a child—a personal decision that took cautious, emotional, and calculated conversations and considerations. Not to mention it has zero effect on the majority of the people accusing me.

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Since deciding to not have children, this large pill to swallow has been a constant prescription in my life. Though this judgement has slowed down in my forties, I can’t see it completely disappearing, maybe just becoming a lower dosage.

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In the prototype lab at work, a coworker and I were discussing NFL quarterback Tom Brady and his apparent GOAT (Greatest of All Time) status.

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Don’t get me started on that!

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Our conversation shifted to Tom’s disciplined eating habits, which were influenced by his then supermodel wife, Gisele Bündchen. From there we started talking about her beauty and her love for her family, country, and the environment. Transitioning into different topics, I brought up an article that essentially labeled her selfish. Summarizing the context: Gisele described the need for moms to put themselves first and referenced the oxygen mask analogy as support.[1] This comment created some media and social backlash, labeling and judging the supermodel mom as being selfish, while others viewed her as truthful.

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“I agree wholeheartedly with Gisele’s comments,” I said.

“No way. Purely selfish,” my coworker declared.

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At first, I thought she was disagreeing with Gisele’s comment because of her status in society, but that wasn’t the case. She simply viewed her as a terrible mother because she followed the “put your mask on first” step.

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“How selfish can one be when they would rather see their child suffer than themselves?” she asked with an aggressive tone.

I just sat there and listened.

Quickly pacing back and forth, she exclaimed, “I would much rather take the chance and die first than not protect my children!”

I knew this coworker was animated and very distressed by the scenario, yet I felt the need to reiterate my opinion.

“Like I said before, I agree with Gisele’s logic.”

I was quickly dismissed.

“You don’t have kids. You have no idea the impact this statement has,” she quickly said.

Biting my tongue, I needed to collect my thoughts. I calmly took a breath.

“Right, I don’t have children, but I do have family and friends. What if I was on the plane with my mother who barely flies or my nephews who are autistic? They are not my children, but they are part of my soul, and I would still place my mask on first,” I explained.

Without missing a second, she responded, “It’s not the same scenario.”

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Feeling her tense response, I knew there was nothing I could say that would change her mind. Instead, any opposing thoughts or facts that went against her belief would cause more negative backlash.

It was time to walk away.

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While walking away, I started to slightly open my thought process. Knowing myself and always thinking of others, if the airline industry did not explain the necessity to place my mask on first, I probably wouldn’t. In a way, I understand her angle.

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After successfully getting the kids to bed or tending to all their needs, I don’t doubt it’s possible for a parent to curl up with a favorite blanket, a glass of merlot, a good book, or even go out on the town. Even though I don’t have children, I am not oblivious to those who do. My family and friends with children partake in some well-deserved, child-free moments. Those same friends have openly stated their life and lifestyle changed the moment they had children. No more spontaneous trips. No more late nights out or sleep in the mornings. No more focus on two but instead a party of three. Actually, their focus and worry go straight to the kid while everything else takes a back seat. So, we can all argue until we’re milk drunk, but the truth is, you absolutely give up some of your former self when you have children—and that is OK.

 

For me, that reality of sacrifice is a large enough reason to not have children. And to be clear, that is not being selfish but honest and self-aware.

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Wanting an easier life, a specific lifestyle, or not wanting change are key assumptions people make based on my child-free decision. I’m also reminded by women closer to my age that professional sacrifices and motherhood are becoming less of an issue in today’s society. Though I appreciate the reminder and the encouragement for women, I do see this balance and powerful message everywhere. More companies understand the fundamental need for an environment where professional growth and personal work-life balance are the principal culture. Still, if I were to look back to the early seventies, eighties, and nineties, that positive encouragement was not the approach.

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Growing up during those times, the rise of women from household to the professional executive suite was a slow uphill battle. Some people allowed that reality to influence their family decisions. For me, since I knew I did not want children, this circumstance was not a factor. Since I chose to not be a mom, I could focus on my career without the worry of balancing motherhood.

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Take the movie Baby Mama with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.[2] The opening monologue talks about Tina Fey’s character, a highly successful VP who did everything correct to achieve the youngest VP title at her company. She didn’t cry at meetings, wore the right clothing, said all the right things, and put up with weird upper-management guys, only to end up being the oldest mom at preschool. While acknowledging how unfair her choice was, she noted some women get pregnant, and she got promotions.

That movie came out in 2008. Let that sink in.

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What I struggle to understand are the popular rules for defining selfishness. Why am I selfish for not having a child, while a mother who has a child so she is taken care of is not? Why is it selfish to say I love myself more than my desire to have a child? Why is my decision to not have a child considered selfish, yet people worry I will be alone? Why is my calculated, rationalized decision, which was made while weighing the consequences, emotions, and loved ones’ opinions, viewed as being self-absorbed?

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I chose to not be a mom, an opportunity that a large part of society deems important to life, and sometimes that sacrifice is viewed as self-centered. I can assure you that my decision was not due to self-indulgence. Those who know their importance think of others, while those who think they are important only think of themselves.

 

 

 

 

[1] Kate Winter, “Supermodel Gisele Bundchen says mothers should put themselves first in order to be a good parent,” Daily Mail, October 21, 2014, https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2801325/supermodel-gisele-bundchen-says-mothers-order-good-parent.html.

[2] Baby Mama, Michael McCullers: director, 2008.